November 2, 2023

Brain vs Heart: How to Overcome Your Fear of Rejection

Facing our fears might be easier said than done, but we have nothing to lose and everything to gain by facing them head-on.

Fear. Everyone faces it at some point in their life. If you’re a sales professional and you fear rejection, then you 100% will feel it and face it. We get it, and we’ve been in those shoes. However – as we say OFTEN in our coaching program, you can have fear but you don’t have to let it have you.

I’m going to ask a question, and I want you to really think about the answer. If you look at your business or your life, what would it look like if you had no fear anymore? It’s OK to take a minute to think about it; I’ll wait.

How about this: endless possibilities. Could you imagine all the things you could do if you weren’t afraid? There wouldn’t be a single thing holding you back. Not ONE.

I spent some time thinking about this myself and how afraid we are to do anything where we might experience rejection. Our sense of self-preservation kicks in our our brains tell us to WALK AWAY and avoid doing things that might lead us to be rejected. We’re wired this way.

A social psychologist by the name of Naomi Eisenberger performed a study in which she discovered that rejection triggers the same regions of the brain that physical pain does. Just like we are taught to avoid the pain that might come from touching a hot stove, our brain also seeks to avoid the pain of rejection.

So, where does this fear of rejection come from?

Dr. Kelsey Zimmermann, a researcher at the School of Psychology, UNSW Science, had this to say about the origins of fear of rejection, “Our learned experiences can enhance that feeling of discomfort and anxiety around rejection, for example, if someone is bullied. So, if we’ve learned that people might hurt us, that’s where that fear activity in the brain comes into play. If somebody experiences an unexpected romantic rejection early in life, that could cause them to develop trust issues if they don’t understand why it happened. They can carry that experience over into how they treat future romantic prospects.” She goes on to say that experiencing these moments of rejection as children or teens creates a deeper fear than it might if this happened as adults because a child’s brain is still developing neural pathways and making vital connections.

My Own Experience

When I was a child, I switched from a public school to a Catholic school in the middle of the year, so everyone had their little groups and cliques. I felt alone and abandoned, and I remember being up in front of the class, and I started crying. A couple of days later, a boy named Michael beat me up in the courtyard, (ugh, bullies!). That set me up for another moment of rejection that fueled fear for me. Sound familiar to anyone else?

How do we move beyond this fear of rejection?

I believe that learning to face your fears and deal with rejection is a lot like going to the gym – we need to build up muscle in order to lift heavier burdens. We have to build up our resilience and rejection muscles. Once we realize that whatever happens we are still breathing, still swinging – and that the WORST thing that our minds tells us COULD happen DOESN’T happen, then we learn to face it all with less fear.

I read an article a while ago about a philosopher named Diogenes. Now, he wasn’t your typical philosopher; he was one of the funniest, sharpest, and most theatrical figures to ever be considered a philosopher. He lived in a large ceramic jar in the market, ate scraps of food, and offered passersby witty retorts. One day, he was seen begging for money from statues. When asked why, he simply said, “to get practice being refused.”

What’s the Worst That Could Happen?

What is the worst-case scenario in facing rejection? I’m not asking rhetorically; I want you to think about it. What’s the actual worst thing that could possibly happen? By taking the time to really think through all the possible worst-case scenarios and roleplay yourself going through it, you can build up resilience against it.

Let’s practice like Diogenes! Let’s say you make that prospecting call, and the person is nasty to you. OK, great. What else could happen? Maybe they curse at you. OK, whatever. What else could happen? They might say other unpleasant things? Sure. What else? They hang up on you? Well, alright. By working yourself through each of these scenarios of things you are afraid of, you will start to realize that the worst-case scenario really isn’t that bad. It might not be pleasant, but it’s not worth sabotaging your career and not making calls because of your fears because the reality is there is nothing to be afraid of. If someone is ugly to you – no problem. Move to the next person. Put it in the win column. It’s one more no closer to a yes kind of conversation!

This week, take the time to think about your fears of rejection and even find a partner to roleplay these scenarios with you. By facing them in this way, you can work through your fears in a safe environment and build up an immunity because that the worst-case scenario that has held you in its grip no longer has any power over you. If neural pathways were formed when our fears were, then repeatedly creating new neural pathways can build bravery and acceptance.

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